The FLP’s Alternative Awards 2016-17: Best Amateur Detective

By Chris Dunlavy

Everyone pulls a “dog ate my homework” style excuse now and then. After all, it’s not like your teacher is going to check the evidence, right?

Wrong. Big Steve has penned two murder mystery novels, both featuring the football manager-turned-death-defying sleuth ‘Steve Barnes’.

Highlight: “The gun was level with my belly. There was no doubt I was going to die. And not even in Newcastle. Not even Premier League. In Halifax, of all places, with a club in the third division.”

Gripping stuff. So, when Aston Villa’s star striker Ross McCormack called to say he couldn’t make training because his electric gates were stuck, fact aped fiction.

Bruce donned his deerstalker, drove to McCormack’s house, photographed the offending 4ft 6in barrier and reached a definitive conclusion. The Scot could have climbed over. “It’s not acceptable,” said Barnes (sorry, Bruce).